


I Won't Say (That I Love You)

by lesnixxxy27



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Confusion, Drama, F/F, Hope, Personal Growth, Possibly Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 12:28:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5004841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesnixxxy27/pseuds/lesnixxxy27
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lexa and Clarke have something growing between them - at least that's what Lexa thinks until Clarke blindsides her. The struggles, disappointments, growth and hope that Lexa goes through as she comes to terms with what she thought she had and what she finally ends up with.</p>
<p>(I'm also working on this on fanfiction.net.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Won't Say (That I Love You)

              “ _We need to talk_ ” flashes on the screen of the phone. Lexa’s breathe hitches in her throat, already fearing what the sender of the text wants to talk about. “Please, let me be wrong,” She mutters out loud as she types out a quick reply, trying to not let her emotions creep in to the text. For all she knows, she could be reading this whole text thing wrong but when someone sends that to you first thing in the morning instead of their usual greeting, it can only mean the worse.

              Rolling out of bed, Lexa tries to act normal around her roommate, Indra, but even trying to complete the most mundane task of doing laundry isn’t helping her to calm her nerves. “Are you okay? There’s cold medicine in the bathroom. You’re looking a little flushed, Lexa.”

              Lexa can only grunt at Indra, for fear that if she was to speak, then all of her anxieties would come pouring out of her. She can’t let Indra know that she’s afraid of what might happen when she meets Clarke later to talk. She knows that Indra is still getting over the death of Gusuts, and her talking about the possibility of losing someone who wasn’t even officially her girlfriend just seems like it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. At least, not compared to what Indra has been through. So, instead, as Lexa waits for her laundry to be done before meeting with Clarke later, she sits with Indra, mindlessly watching some show that she’s sure Clarke would have like.

              When it’s time to leave to meet with Clarke, Lexa walks out the door, halfway to her car before she goes back inside the house to retrieve a gift for Clarke. “With any luck,” Lexa sighs as she starts her car, “this whole morning of being stressed out will have been for nothing and Clarke will officially be my girlfriend. Yeah, nothing to be nervous about. Get it together, Woods.”

* * *

 

              When Clarke pulls up to the shopping center where she’s supposed to be meeting Clarke, she shoots her a text, asking which store Clarke is in. When Clarke says that she’s walking over to Grounders now, Lexa starts her trek to the café as well. As she gets closer to Grounders, Lexa can see Clarke in front of her, but instead of calling out to her to let her know, she watches her as she walks, noticing how slow Clarke seems to be walking, almost as if the weight of the world is on her shoulders. With that, Lexa can’t help but to feel that this meeting between the two of them is not going to yield any happy results, so she picks up the pace and catches Clarke before she heads into the café, just to get this over with.

              “Clarke,” Lexa says, startling the girl as she’s looking at pumpkins in front of a small stand near the café. “Hey.”

              “Hi,” Clarke says quietly. “I didn’t hear you come up behind me.”

              Lexa nods, because that was exactly her goal; to see Clarke one last time before she knows what will inevitably be happening during this meeting. Grabbing the door, Lexa gestures for Clarke to go inside Grounders first. Clarke murmurs a thank you and then heads over towards the line to grab a bottled drink. Clarke asks Lexa what she wants, but Lexa is too busy trying to savor the last few moments of them together that her replies come out as rough and disjointed; nothing like how she wants this beautiful girl in front of her to be reminded of.

              Once their orders are complete, the agonizing small talk continues as the women try to determine whether or not they should stay inside the café, surrounded by people in the crowded area, or outside, back near that pumpkin stand. The girls opt to go outside, not really wanting this conversation to take place in a room full of strangers.

              As Clarke and Lexa begin to walk around outside, Lexa figures that she might as well say something first since Clarke seems to be wholly focused on the green smoothie bottle in front of her. “Anya says that we’re no longer going to go out on Friday and Saturday to get dinner and instead are going to have dinner at the cabin. But, don’t worry, we still have breakfast duty for Sunday.”

              Clarke slows her steps and nervously clears her throat. “Uh, about that…I’m not going to be able to go…”

              Lexa stops and turns to face Clarke. “How come? Did something else come up?” Lexa asks, knowing that whatever Clarke is going to say next is going to crush her.

              “No. I, uh, I can’t be with you. You’re really pretty and all, but --” Clarke begins to say.

              “Did you meet someone else?” Lexa asks, praying that that isn’t the case.

              “No! No. I just don’t feel the same way that I did before when we first started. The feelings aren’t as strong anymore and I don’t see myself having a long term relationship with you.”

              Lexa stares at Clarke, trying to search into her eyes to see if she really means what she says, but all she can see is what looks like sadness in Clarke’s eyes. Feeling her own tears threatening to come pouring out at any moment, Lexa throws up her walls, saying “well, I guess it’s a good thing that I wanted us to wait to become official until after your birthday or else you’d have to remember that all the time on your birthday then.” Lexa turns, throwing the untouched Grounders drink into the trash. “Have a nice life, Clarke. Maybe we can try to be friends at some point,” she throws over her shoulder bitterly before quickly walking to her car as fast as she can before the tears start to fall. Sobbing, she gets in the car after a few unsuccessful attempts and calls Anya. “She, she broke it off!”

              “What?!” Anya exclaims. “You two were great together. That completely came out of left field. Did she say why? And, do you want me to go punch her in the face? I liked her, but I totally don’t mind doing that for my Commander.” Calming herself down enough to talk, Lexa tells Anya what happened between her and Clarke just a few minutes before. Before getting off the phone, Anya tells Lexa to call her if she needs her and that if she does, she should know that she’ll be over in a heartbeat. With the reassurance of her best friend, Lexa finally gets it together enough to drive herself to the thankfully empty home.

* * *

 

              Once home, Lexa attempts to work on some of her homework for the week. But no matter how hard she tries, she can’t get Clarke and that horrible exchange out of her mind. She knows she’s partially to blame for how she left Clarke just standing there, but she was hurting and knew that if she would have stayed any longer, then she would have said things that she would have regretted, causing them both more pain than either one of them needed. After sitting there, looking at her phone and debating on whether or not she should call and ask Clarke where things went wrong, she finally gets the courage to do so. But, instead of just calling her, Lexa sends Clarke a text first to let her know of her intentions and to give the girl a moment to collect herself before having to answer. Except, Clarke doesn’t answer her call and instead texts back a few minutes later, stating that she’s over her cousin’s house and that she’ll talk to Lexa later about why she stopped things before they started.

              So, while she waits, Lexa writes a letter to Clarke, unsure if it’s just supposed to be talking points for when Clarke finally does call or if she’ll mail it to Clarke and let her read it. In the letter, Lexa writes down the various reasons as to why she thinks that Clarke might have thought of when making her decision. These ranged from Clarke’s mom not okay with her daughter being gay, Lexa possibly joining the military, their relationship moving too fast too soon, and not having everything be 100% in common. Towards the end of the letter, Lexa has become loopy, her handwriting sloppier than usual, and is essentially writing the letter as if Clarke’s there with her, having a conversation back. It’s at this time that Clarke finally texts back, sending a long text about why she doesn’t want to be with Lexa, naming the same things that Lexa had mentioned in her text. Lexa chuckles humorously at this: the girl is breaking up with her because she thinks that they’re too different and don’t know each other, yet they both cite the same reasons as to why Clarke breaks things off.

At the end of Clarke’s text, Clarke asks for Lexa to respect her wishes in that she needs space from the girl. So Lexa thanks her for her reply before shutting her phone off for the rest of the night, not that it would matter much since Clarke had become the person she texted 24/7. Instead, Lexa grabs an envelope, stuffs the letter she wrote to Clarke in it, seals it and places it in the mailbox before she can second guess herself with sending the letter. Once the letter is in the mailbox, Lexa heads back inside the house, and mindlessly watches television before heading to her bed, letting the tears cause her body to be wrecked by sobs until she falls asleep.


End file.
